At the Mercy of Your Mercy
by iridescence
Summary: Subaru x Seishirou one-shot. Mild angst. sometimes it's just too late.


~I don't own Tokyo Babylon or X~  
  
one - shot, Seishirou x Subaru  
  
ah its sort of a song-fic... i mean its based on a song... which is scattered throughout... but its not the entire structure of the fic... theres something of a plot, I guess. and its definitely more than just the lyrics, its obviously considerably longer, lol. hope you like it ^_^  
  
btw, the song's "Disarm" by the Smashing Pumpkins from their cd 'Siamese Dream'. (the first time i heard the song i was like oh my... its subaru and seishirou's story on the radio.)   
  
there are spoilers for X 16 if you havent read it, which roughly corresponds to the episode, 'slaughter' (im pretty sure thats the ep. name, anyway... its on dvd 6, but i dont remember the number)  
  
.  
  
~~~~~At the Mercy of Your Mercy~~~~~  
  
.  
  
~*disarm you with a smile*~   
  
~*and cut you like you want me to*~   
  
~*cut that little child*~   
  
~*inside of me and such a part of you*~  
  
.  
  
(Seishirou's POV)  
  
.  
  
How could someone be shattered by a mere smile? Especially when it's a lie, a smile with nothing behind it? Even now, knowing it's fake, knowing what I've done to him, it still affects him to some extent. He fell in love with it nine years ago. His reaction may not as strong, but he's still swayed by such a simple thing... I guess that goes to show some things never change.   
  
All along, I think he knew the truth; whether consciously or not, he did. Even Hokuto-chan, with her small amount of spirit, knew. She had realized who I was, but also that Subaru *wanted* me to hurt him, wanted the pain, even before he himself understood. I guess that explains all the death threats. She wanted me to save him from the rut of masochism he had gotten into. Heh, if she knew who I was, what made her think I cared about her brother? And it's not like she could ever kill me.   
  
The real question is, *why* did Subaru want the pain? He couldn't be atoning for his sins... he didn't, doesn't have any to speak of, I'm sure of that. Was he suffering for others? I never met someone so focused on the needs of others and so indifferent to their own needs. Maybe the pain was his subconscious' way of making him feel, of making him realize that he, too, was alive. He had so little care for his own life... even willing to die, if that meant that sick little boy could have his kidneys. But Subaru must have known that the world wasn't as innocent as he was, that he couldn't save everyone and everything. The cynical Subaru of today must have been trapped inside that child somewhere, all along.   
  
He must have been. It can't be all my fault. I couldn't have broken that boy's spirit so badly that he's incapable of the happiness he once knew. Please, don't let it be my fault...  
  
Why do I care?  
  
Finding that little boy under the tree changed my life; he startled me into questioning things I hadn't thought about before. And Subaru, he never really grew out of that little boy's empathic ways. He got older, and suffered the consequences of feeling too much in a heartless society. Two extremes in a world falling apart. It could be said that we were made for each other; too bad one of us has to die. He *is* awfully cute. But our destiny was foreordained. I knew this all along.   
  
.  
  
~*oh, the years burn*~  
  
~*oh, the years burn*~  
  
.  
  
(Subaru's POV)  
  
.  
  
For nine years I was alone. He killed Hokuto-chan, then left me as well. Why can't I hate him? I can't even want revenge for my sister... I can't bring myself to want his death. How could I do this to Hokuto-chan? Didn't I love her? What's wrong with me? This isn't how it's supposed to be... he killed my sister, he broke my heart... and it was all a lie. The man I loved never existed... yet I can't hate Seishirou, I still love him. But the question remains; do I love him now for who he pretended to be then? Or was it this Seishirou I loved all along? Did I realize it... realize what he truly was, but didn't want to admit it to myself? That would account for how hard it was to admit I loved him... no one in their right mind would fall in love with an assassin dead bent on killing them, would they?   
  
But I still can't, won't believe that some of those things he said and did were lies. He lost his eye to protect me... he jumped in front of a woman attacking me with a knife. How could that all be for the purpose of winning a bet? He lost his *eye*! That's not exactly easily replaced... And, if he wanted to kill me so badly, why didn't he just do it years ago? I wouldn't have minded.   
  
But, nine years of wondering... and I still don't have an answer. At least it will be all over soon.  
  
.  
  
~*I used to be a little boy*~  
  
~*so old in my shoes*~  
  
~*and what I choose is my choice*~  
  
~*what's a boy supposed to do*~  
  
.  
  
(Seishirou's POV)  
  
.  
  
... I never got to be a child. Subaru didn't, either... maybe that helps account for our dysfunctional personalities, for some of the cynicism and bitterness we both feel. I was merely the heir to the Sakurazukamori; he, the 13th head of the Sumeragi family. No time to play, he was an onmyoji. Barred from emotions, I was an assassin. Maybe it accounts for some of the misery. I was an assassin before I even realized the consequences of it; I never thought about what I was doing until a little boy asked me if the corpses the tree fed on were in pain. I never had a choice, so I hadn't bothered to think about what I was doing... and, once I had, things remained the same. I was the successor to the Sakurazukamori, and that's that. Even when I knew, even after Subaru made me think about it, I couldn't change anything. I still was, still *am*, the Sakurazukamori.  
  
.  
  
~*the killer in me is the killer in you*~   
  
~*my love*~  
  
~*I send this smile over to you*~  
  
.  
  
(Seishirou's POV)  
  
.  
  
I wonder if Subaru knows my wish? At least that will make him happy; he'll have his revenge for Hokuto, and for the lies. I don't know if it will make up for the loss of his childish innocence... but I can't give more than my life, can I? Hokuto was a dear girl, honestly. Probably didn't deserve to be killed. But, I'm an assassin. I had no choice; whether it was the sister of Subaru or not didn't matter.  
  
And, speaking of Subaru... why can't I kill him? I've killed everyone else that's known who I truly am, everyone else whom the tree deems worthy of death without problem. Although Subaru *is* cute, he's not irreplaceable. So what is it that holds me back? That makes me almost regret killing his sister?   
  
Because I killed her, he wants revenge. And, because he wants revenge, for some inexplicable reason, I want to give it to him... knowing it will mean my life. I *want* him to kill me.   
  
Sometimes, I wish I could smile for him again, play the part of the kind veterinarian that he loved. I don't know why. I almost miss those days. I find myself wishing I could go back. Maybe it's because it was easier to take advantage of him if I didn't have to see him suffer? ...I never was one for displays of emotion.   
  
.  
  
~*disarm you with a smile*~  
  
~*and leave you like they left me here*~  
  
~*to wither in denial*~  
  
~*the bitterness of one who's left alone*~  
  
~*oh, the years burn*~  
  
~*oh, the years burn*~  
  
.  
  
(Subaru's POV)  
  
.  
  
Alone for nine years, searching for him. What the hell was I thinking? What would I have done if I had found him? Did I think he cared about me? That he loved me, that I could change him? That this was all a problem caused by his being raised as the Sakurazukamori? That we could find a way for him to fulfill his familial duties without hurting anyone? ...That we could live happily ever after with a fairy-tale ending, like Hokuto-chan always wanted for me? Wedding and all?  
  
If I hadn't spent that year with him blushing and stammering, would things have been different? If I hadn't been so naive, would Hokuto-chan still be alive today? Would I hurt this much?  
  
.  
  
~*I used to be a little boy*~  
  
~*so old in my shoes*~  
  
~*and what I choose is my choice*~  
  
~*what's a boy supposed to do*~  
  
.  
  
(Subaru's POV)  
  
.  
  
Ultimately, it *was* my decision to love him, wasn't it? I lost the bet because of my own feelings... my own weakness... my naivete and my inability to put the facts together. Couldn't I have prevented it? Doesn't that make Hokuto-chan's death my fault?   
  
I've been told you don't pick who you fall in love with... I hope that's true, but I doubt it is. Sounds like an easy cop-out to me.   
  
I was so young then- working for the family, but I was only 16 and still in high school. I wanted to work with animals, not subdue spirits... the stress was unbearable at times, and Hokuto-chan always told me I was malnourished from the way I didn't eat, didn't sleep, and overall abused myself. How could I notice what was happening to me with Seishirou-san when so much else was happening?   
  
I'm only making excuses for myself now. Not that it really matters, anyway. Soon I'll be dead like Hokuto-chan, fed to the tree...heh, at least I'll find out whether or not the people buried there suffer. Not that I'll be able to do anything to help them by then, considering I'll be dead and stuck there as well. It's my fault, anyway... I should have realized Seishirou was the Sakurazukamori, should have put a stop to all of this before I fell in love with him and got so tangled in my emotions.  
  
If it weren't for the others, I'd hope it would hurt... I deserve the pain.  
  
.  
  
~*the killer in me is the killer in you*~  
  
~*my love*~  
  
~*I send this smile over to you*~  
  
~*the killer in me is the killer in you...*~  
  
.  
  
(Seishirou's POV)  
  
.  
  
Does Subaru know that, once he kills me, he'll be the next Sakurazukamori? That that's his future? That all he hates about me will become a part of him? He'll have to take the lives of innocents. Will he be able to live with himself? For him, I think that may be a fate worse than death... I almost wish I could change it, but I can't. It was foreordained, just like what will happen today; a kekkai will fall, and one of us will die. But, in order for the kekkai to fall, doesn't that mean Subaru will have to be severely hurt, or even killed? I don't quite understand... I'm the one that's going to die.   
  
...I'll find out soon enough. It's not like I can change anything, anyway. I've become quite the fatalist lately... having a yumemi around destroys all hope. Not that I really have anything to hope for, anyway. This is the way things have to be.  
  
My mother once told me that, as the Sakurazukamori, I'd only be killed by the one that I loved the most. She also told me that the one that kills me will become successor to the title. This is what happened between her and me. This is the fate of a Sakurazukamori.   
  
Does that mean I love Subaru? *Can* I love Subaru? Am I capable of love? If my mother was right, it must be so... but, I'm still not convinced that I'm able to love anyone, or anything. I guess it's a possibility. It would explain a lot of this.  
  
Either way, I don't have time to think about this. It's time for the final act, time for the curtain to fall.  
  
.  
  
(Seishirou's POV)  
  
.  
  
"Hai ga... te ni ochimasuyo." (The ashes... they'll fall on your hand.)   
  
.  
  
Such a Subaru thing to say. Nine years have passed, he's become considerably more cynical... but he'll always be the kind, caring boy at heart, won't he? If I couldn't break that with all I've done to him, I doubt anyone can.  
  
.  
  
"Ki ni shite kudasarun desuka? Oyasashii desune." (You're concerned about me? Aren't you considerate.)  
  
"Kawarimashitayo, boku wa." (I've changed.)  
  
"...Anata ga kaetan desu. Boku o... anata niwa dou demo ii koto deshoga." (You've changed. I... can do anything I want to you.)  
  
.  
  
All right, I don't know how much I believe that one *myself*... and I expect him to believe it? I can't bring myself to do anything to him as I said, whether he's changed or not. My wish is going to get me killed, isn't it? For his sake? Doesn't that mean something? But, hey, I've got an image to live up to...I will always be a Sakurazukamori. The blood dripping from my hand is proof enough of that.  
  
.  
  
"...Koko de dareka o koroshitan desune." (...You killed someone here, didn't you.)  
  
"Boku wa Sakurazukamori desukara." (Because I'm the Sakurazukamori.)  
  
.  
  
Apparently Subaru doesn't think this reply justifies my act. I'm guessing from this onslaught of the ofuda he's throwing at me... he seems slightly surprised that I remain unscathed. Does he really expect it to be that easy? That would be making a fool of both him and myself. We're both stronger than this.  
  
I take it he's worried about the city, now, because he's putting up his kekkai... the one destined to fall. Personally, I rather enjoy seeing the frightened and suffering faces of the people around. But then again, I'm a chi no ryu. The destruction of society is part of the job description.  
  
The fight ensues... I feel like I'm overpowering him. What has become of Subaru? He's stronger than this.   
  
Does he still love the 'Seishirou-san' he loved nine years ago?  
  
Doesn't he realize that man never existed, that all we have in common is a physical body and a name?  
  
.  
  
He cuts himself to destroy my illusion... for some reason, I'm entranced... his blood is a beautiful sight.  
  
.  
  
"Konna genkaku o tsukawanakutemo, boku wa sakura ni torawareta mama desu. ...Ano hi kara." (Even if you don't use this illusion, I'm still trapped by the sakura. ...Since that day.)  
  
.  
  
Subaru... you pain me with your words...  
  
.  
  
"'Chi no Ryu' no Kamui ga itte imashita. Anata no hontou no nozomi wa boku ni shikakanaerarenaito." (The Kamui of the 'Dragons of Earth' told me. Your true wish isn't to take revenge on me.)  
  
"Shikashi, sore wa boku no kangaete iru mono notowa chigaurashii." (But, that wasn't what I had thought.)  
  
"Anata no nozomi wa boku o korosu koto dewa nain desuka?" (Your wish isn't to kill me?)  
  
"Chigaimasu." (No, it's not.)  
  
.  
  
I'm not entirely surprised... this *is* Subaru we're talking about. I really can't imagine him killing *anyone*. And he truly did love that veterinarian version of me, didn't he? I almost feel bad for him.   
  
But, what is his wish then? It has to be something along those lines, doesn't it?  
  
Once he's answered, though, I start attacking. I have to. It's part of the game we play, it's like a dance. When you fight someone in a battle like ours, your soul goes into it. Neither one of us will truly understand the other without this.   
  
The bridge... it's crumbling, destroyed. It'll fall soon. This is it, it's time.   
  
.  
  
Not that I care... but I almost wonder if anyone will care that I've died.  
  
.  
  
As I'm dying, pain, misery, and shock splatter Subaru's face along with my blood. What could his wish possibly have been, if my death is causing this kind of reaction?  
  
Ugh... I can't support myself, clutching onto him to keep myself from falling to the ground. Short, painless deaths are virtually unheard of for assassins, but it hurts so much when he removes his hand from my chest... both physically and mentally.  
  
This is the closest two humans can possibly get to each other. He was literally inside of my heart... it's almost romantic, in a way. I never thought of it in that sense before today, it was just a convenient way to kill. Being around Subaru does strange things to my mind.  
  
It makes me wish I was capable of love... but, then again, according to what my mother told me as a child... no, not a child, just young... I was never a child. But, for her to say I would only be killed by the one I loved... that makes Subaru the one.   
  
I... I think that I *do* love Subaru. I'm as sure of it as I can be, considering my general lack of emotion.  
  
The kekkai is beginning to fall. I've been told that the seals all have a reason for their kekkais, something so important to them that they feel they must protect it at any cost. I wonder what Subaru's is? And why it's falling now?  
  
Could it be...?  
  
.  
  
"...dou...shite..." (...Why...)  
  
.  
  
I really don't have the strength for this... If this was anyone but Subaru, I'd never try to lift my head, try to explain just for the sake of answering him. But, then again, if this weren't Subaru, I'd be the one killing, not the one dying. So, I lift my head, and try to smile.  
  
.  
  
"Anata no oneesan ga inochi o... kaketa. ...Saigo no jutsu desu..." (I... took your sister's life. Her final action...)  
  
"Boku ga... anata no oneesan o koroshita tono onaji houhou de... anata o korosou to shita toki ni... Sore ga... sono mama boku ni kaette kuruyou ni..." (If I... tried to kill you the same way I killed your sister... that it would... be returned to me instead...)   
  
.  
  
Subaru looks aghast, hurt, so many things at once I can't even describe them. I'm sure he realizes that, because I knew about Hokuto's prayer, I essentially used him as a suicide weapon. But I didn't want to die... I just wanted him to kill me. I know that makes no sense, but I have neither the time nor the energy to rationalize it, so I'll leave it at that.  
  
I'm close enough to kiss him, if I had the energy to do so... it's sad, I'm going to die never having kissed the man I love. That's a sappy thing for me to say, but I'm only realizing my feelings for him now... It doesn't matter, though. I need my energy to talk. I need to tell him.   
  
I love him... and, for some reason, I'm starting to believe he loves me. He doesn't hate me for lying to him and killing his sister as I thought he had, and as he rightfully should.   
  
.  
  
"Ima no bokutachi wa... kako no sugata no kyouzou no you desune." (Now we... seem to be a reflection of the past's image, don't we.)  
  
"Ano hi... koushite mune o tsuranu kareta nowa... Hokuto-chan datta..." (That day... the one who's heart died painfully this way was... Hokuto-chan...)   
  
"Anata ga... Hokuto-chan o koroshite... boku no mae kara sugata o keshite... boku wa... anata o korosou to shita. Boku no... kokoro no naka kara anata no sonzai o jibun no naka kara keshite ikite ikou to omotta... Demo... dekinakatta..." (You... killed Hokuto-chan... you disappeared from in front of me... I... should have killed you. My... from inside my heart... from inside myself, I thought I should erase your existence... but... I couldn't...)  
  
"Anata ga boku o ishi koro to onaji you ni omotte itemo... funda kare eda hodo nimo kanji nakutemo ...sore demo." (You thought of me as a pebble... like a dead branch you stepped on without feeling anything... nothing else.)  
  
"Dakara... anata ni korosaretai to omotta." (Because of that... I wanted to be killed by you.)  
  
"Anata ga boku o koroshita koto o sugu wasuretemo... boku ga kazu ooi sakura no nie no hitori demo... semete... anata ni... kangaete mireba... anata ni... dareka o korosu nante kakugo wa dekimasen deshitane..." (Even though you would quickly forget killing me... I would just be one of the many under the sakura, but... at least... by you... to think, if I saw... I couldn't have the resolution to kill someone...)  
  
.  
  
Subaru... he began speaking as if in a trance, but now... now he's crying. I see the innocent boy surfacing in him... Guilt-ridden from hearing his wish, I can't help but say *something*... I love him, and he needs to know that... because he loves me.  
  
.  
  
"Anata wa... yasashii kara..."  
  
.  
  
I don't have much strength left... but I owe it to him... I'll try my hardest to smile... to make it tender, caring... to convey my awkward attempts at love. It's probably my first, and quite obviously last, smile with emotion behind it... With my last breath, I'll try to tell him... I have to.  
  
.  
  
"...Subaru-kun... boku wa... kimi o..." (Subaru-kun... I... you...)  
  
.  
  
~fin~  
  
.  
  
im sorry, if that counts as a cliffhanger... but hey, thats how they end his death in the manga AND in the anime! it annoyed me sooo much! but im trying to keep it relatively close to the storyline (as in, not completely AU) so im not gonna pretend that i know what he actually said when he fell past Subaru's ear and Subaru's eyes got all big and teary (as much as i wish i did.)  
  
O~kay... um, the parts in Japanese are the scene from the manga, when Seishirou dies... I left the Japanese 'cause I'm sure there are other people out there that speak Japanese much better than I do... i just added translationsfor the people that don't understand Japanese. but I'm the one that translated it... so um yeah. If my translations are really off, im sorry... i think theyre relatively accurate though. (i tried!) and some of its kinda like i added/left out words to have it make sense. but the sentences still have the same overall meaning... if you hate my translations i dont mind if you say so, but please don't be mean (ie flame me) for it~!  
  
i dont remember exactly what seishirous wish was, but since it got him killed, im just going with the vague overall concept of making subaru happy by dying...  
  
.  
  
the POV skips around a little, sorry... different parts of the song needed to be in different points of view, I thought.  
  
.  
  
review please~! if you dont mind~ ^_^ 


End file.
